Another Darn Quest
by Voldemort of Mordor
Summary: Yes, I know so many people are wondering what the heck happened at the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There's plenty of coconuts, rabbits, and NI!
1. Coconut Castle

Note: Anything in capital letters means the audience is saying it. The only exception is when it is not in quotation marks.

"All right, put that away, sonny." The Inspector walked up to the camera and covers it with his hand. The cameraman, incensed, punches the inspector, but the inspector dodges the punch and pulls off the lens. Believe me, this happened. You just couldn't see it. The cameraman pulls out the film and runs away to Hollywood.

But what happened after? I was an eyewitness at the event. I was one of the soldiers who went to besiege the French castle. We watched sadly as the car drove away over the horizon. And thus, the Great Quest began: The Quest to Save the King and His Knights and then "GET ON WITH IT!!!" Let Him Complete the Quest for the Holy Grail. Yes, I know, it's a long name.

Anyway, where was I? So we mounted or coconuts (er…I mean horses) and rode away in the direction of the car. And we rode for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles. "GET ON WITH IT!!!!" Shut up you stupid bastards. Anyway, damn it, you made me forget where I was. Hmmm.

INTERMISSION

Oh, yes, I remember. So miles and miles and umm. Yes that's the end of the story. Oops, I forgot to tell you the part about the quest didn't I?

So, we arrived at a small castle in the countryside. And went to the gate. "Hello?" called the leader of our quest, "Have you seen a black automobile drive by?"

A guard appeared at the edge of the castle. This guard was obviously familiar to Patsy who joined the quest when we passed by the place of his abandonment. Patsy was utterly shocked and took his coconut halves and threw them at the guard. The guard dodged the first one and was hit in the head with the other one.

"Hey! Why the hell are you-" the guard paused. He realized what had been thrown on him. "Where'd you get the coconuts?"

"Oh, shit," said Patsy, "Not him again."

"England," began the guard, "Is a temperate zone. How'd you get the coconuts?"

"Shut up you two," I exclaimed, "Have you seen this automobile we speak of?"

"My lord found'em," replied Patsy.

"Where the hell do you find coconuts in England?"

"Would the two of you just shut you're bloody mouths?" I screamed.

"Maybe it migrated," suggested Patsy.

"Now you've started talking about this coconut migration rubbish!" said the guard, "Now you're going to tell me that a swallow carried it."

"How'd you guess. African or European?"

"Does it matter? They both weigh less then a coconut."

"Not really."

A second guard appeared on the edge of the castle. "It could have been tied on a line and carried by two swallows," said the guard.

Suddenly, the clouds above opened. "I am God!" came a voice.

"Yes, but who would tie it?" asked the first guard.

"I said, I am God!"

Everyone in our quest knelt in front of the Lord. "I thought I told you, Patsy, not to grovel. I can't stand all of this sick "I love the Lord" attitude, damn it! Yes, you did just hear God swear!"

"Well," said the second guard, "One of the swallows could have tied it on the other with his beak."

"I have heard this argument way too much," said God, "Since this film has such a low budget, there are no horses in it. And these two guards are obsessed with annoying the shit out of any passersby who happens to be riding on a coconut. I mean steed. It is time to put an end to this!"

Suddenly, from the sky came a faint, green glow. Inside the glow was a cute little bunny rabbit it jumped out of the sky and landed on top of one of the guards. The rabbit opened it's mouth to reveal many hideous, long teeth. It opened it's mouth wide and ate the guard alive. It then attacked the second one and ate every last bone.

"Run!" someone shouted, "It's back from the dead!"

Could there be a more convenient time for Brother Maynard now? I wondered.


	2. St Flatulent's Fart

We ran as fast as we could. We had heard tales of this foul guard of Caerbannog. It is a foul thing. We had also heard of it's bane, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and the priest who kept it in his keeping, Brother Maynard, but the grenade was used and Maynard was devoured by the monster in Caerbannog.

Anyways, enough about the priest! We ran and ran and ran. We reached a small monastery in a forest. I went to the door and knocked three times.

"Hello?" I called. I looked behind me. The rabbit was approaching. I knocked again. Behind me, the rabbit was killing many of my companions. Finally, the door creaked open.

"Hi," came a timid voice, "Who are you?"

"I am Sir Not Really a Sir I Just Use Sir To Act Like A Knight," I said, "Who are you?"

"I am Another Monk from scene 31. I read the instructions of how to use the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to Arthur and his knights."

"Do you know of any other ancient relic that would be useful to attack the evil rabbit?"

"Please come in and choose from our selection of weapons and gadgetry." The timid monk opened the door all the way and led me in.

"WAIT A SECOND!!! YOU'RE COPYING VAN HELSING!!! IN THAT MOVIE THEY PRIESTS MADE A WHOLE BUNCH OF COOL GADGETS TO KILL VAMPIRES AND EVIL-"

"Oh, shut up you stupid audience. I can't believe you even saw that movie. It sucked."

Back to the story. So then, I stepped inside, and there was Arthur and his knights. He made me a knight so I became Sir Finally a Sir and-

WAIT!!!! Sorry. I skipped a small portion of the story. Actually, a fairly large chunk of it.

I stepped inside and I saw many small, golden boxes with elaborate carvings and engravings on them. As Another Monk passed each box, he mumbled the name of each relic. "Sniper of St. Sergio…Rifle of St. Rafael…Pistol of St. Paul…Jesus' Jacuzzi…Bomb of St. Bob…Atomic Bomb of St. Adam…Nuclear Missile of St. Nick…Fart of St. Flatulent.. Bullet of St. Bernard. Wait! The Fart of St. Flatulent! It kills all living things within twenty feet of the detonator's behind.

"What happens to the detonator?" I asked.

"He usually suffocates on the fart and dies, but that's not important," Another Monk paused, "Brothers!"

A melodic "Yes?" rang through the monastery.

"We are using the Fart of St. Flatulent."

The monks began singing in unison, "Piea Jesu Domine, Dona Eis Requiem."

They slowly walked to the relic box as they chanted. When all of the monks arrived, they left the monastery to find my companions battling the rabbit. "Brother," I began, "Read the instructions for the use of this relic."

Another Monk picked up the Appendices of the Bible Book and began reading, "At the battle of Tours, the little known St. Flatulent let out a nasty toot and killed off many Saracens. Charles Martel was able to capture the stench in a jar and sell it on eBay. The product description was thus: When thou faceth an enemy, bad, drinketh thy fart of St. Flatulent amidst the battle field and wait. Whenst you feeleth a fart coming up, let it pass through. Let the trumpet of war be sounded and destroyeth thy enemy. Now, it will take seven seconds for the fart to be released. Clench thy buns for seven seconds, then releaseth. The pressure shall make thy fart deadlier. Do not clench for eight seconds, for that will causeth a nuclear explosion. Do not hold six seconds for it will not be strong enough. Seven shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be seven. Nine and five are definitely unacceptable! After thou counteth to seven (being the seventh number), release your buns and let fly the deadly stench."

I pulled aside the captain of the quest (whom I did not particularly favor) and told him to drink the "elixir of life." I handed him the fart and he drank it.

"Now step away to the rabbit and clench your lower set of cheeks," I said.

"One…Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven. Now release," I yelled. He was too late. He was blown to pieces and so was the rabbit. Another monk, my remaining companions, and the other monks ran into the monastery to wait for the stench to leave.

After an hour or two, Another Monk came to me, the new captain, and said, "You must leave now." We packed our things and left. We followed a small forest road through a thick forest. It seemed like we were going in circles. We realized we weren't when we were greeted by the worst sound in the world:

NI!!!!!!!!!!


End file.
